Gangnam Style

“Hi Mom.””What are you doing?”
“I just got back from the gym, about to go to lunch now.”
“You should be proud of me.  I went to TWO zumba sessions yesterday!”
“Wow, why?”
“Because I didn’t feel like I got a good enough workout the first time.”
“Good for you!”
“I don’t really feel like I’m losing weight though, but I do like this one song where the teacher goes, ‘Shake your belly!’ and the music goes, ‘boom boom boom OPPAN GANGNAM STYLE!  EYYYYYYYYY, SEXY LADY!  Ow!  Ow!  Ow!  Ow!  Boom boom boom!  EYYYYYYYYY, SEXY LADY!  Ow!  Ow!  Ow!  Ow!’”
“I cannot believe you just sang Gangnam Style.”
“I know.  What are you doing for the rest of the day?”
“Lunch, then nothing.”
“Okay, well I gotta go.  OPPAN GANGNAM STYLE!  Bye.”

 

Oh the abuse..

While telling my mother about my new job:

“And the background check just went through, so I’m officially getting my offer letter.”
“Oh, I wasn’t worried about that.  Of course your background check will come through. You weren’t abused or anything when you were little!”
“Mom, if you abused me, it wouldn’t come up on my background check – it’d come up on yours.”
“I should report you for mother abuse.  That way you won’t be able to start your new job.”

Multiple texts

Ever since my mother bought the iPhone 4S, she’s been texting me every chance she gets.  However, she treats it like BBM, where each text is one sentence or thought.  Finally, after a string of one- or two-worded texts, I called her.

“Mom, you know you can type more than one sentence in a text, right?”
“Oh.  I didn’t know that.”
“Yeah.  You can keep typing.  Your phone can send almost like 200 characters in one text.  You guys don’t have a text messaging plan, so each text you send me, you get charged.”
“Oh!  So I should just send you one huge text once a month then.”

iPhony

My mother just bought the iPhone 4S because it was “pretty.”

(for the sake of convenience and ease of understanding, my mother’s texts will be in red, and mine will be in blue)

Test my new phone
Hi mom
Hi
So do you like it?
Yes I am having fun

This morning, we had the following conversation (and I am not making any of this up):

How are u
Good!  Having breakfast right now.  What are you doing
Try to send me voice message (I think she wanted to test out visual voicemail)
Hang on.  I’ll call you after I order food in a few minutes
On the way to work
I heard buck is depressed
Buck
Hugh
Buck
Buck
Huck
I mean your dog
My phone changes b
Buck t
I cannot type Huck unless capitalize h
Ha ha
I don’t know how to check voice mail
Jesus.  Just call me

So at that point, my mother calls me, and we have the following conversation.

“Hi Mom.  Just so you know, I was laughing so hard I cried, and I’m sitting in a restaurant right now and they’re looking at me like I’m crazy.”
“What?  I can’t hear you.  This phone is so stupid.  Your voice is really soft.”
“You have to turn up the volume on the side.”
“I can’t hear you!”
“MOM.  CAN YOU PUT ME ON SPEAKER PHONE FIRST?”
“Your voice is really quiet!”

At this time, I’m laughing so hard that I can’t talk.

“Your voice is getting lower and lower!  I have to get Alex to help me fix this.  Oh and then I kept trying to type HUCK but then the phone kept automatically changing it to B!  Why does it do that?”
“It’s called AUTOCORRECT, Mom.  It thinks you’re making a mistake so it changes it to what it thinks you’re trying to say.”
“Oh and also this Siri thing is stupid too!  Last night I was playing with my phone and I told it to call JAMES.  So it told me, ‘Directing you to your location.’  WHAT LOCATION??  Then it said, ‘You may now proceed to your location J-A-M-S.  And then I told it, CALL JAMES LEE.  And then it said, ‘I do not understand what you are trying to say.’  So I spoke louder and said, CALL JAMES LEEEEE, and it began dialing my attorney, Jim Gallaghan!  STUPID!!”

Missing me

I received a phone call from my mother today.

“I’ve decided that you shouldn’t come home anymore.”
“What?  Why?”
“Because when you leave, I miss you so much I feel like throwing up.  I get sick.”

SF weather

In a phone conversation with my mother today:

“I heard it’s going to be REALLY HOT in LA this weekend.”
“Oh, it’s been really hot but it should be cooler this weekend.”
“Mom, it’s supposed to be 85 on Friday and 80 on Saturday.”
“That’s nothing for us.”
“I can’t remember the last time it was 85 here.”
“That’s because real people live in Los Angeles.  San Francisco is for.. for.. for cold-blooded strange people.  You should move back.  It’s time for you to move back home.”

Bargain hunting

My father really likes HomeGoods.  My mother is more of a full-priced designer person.  She hates digging through sale racks, even at Nordstrom.  Recently, she had a change of heart.

“I have a new favorite store for shopping.”
“Where?”
“Guess.”
“Um..”
“TJ MAXX!  It’s my favorite place to go!  There’s such good shopping there!  We love it and we go every weekend!”
“…”
“And then afterwards we’re going to Nordstrom.”